I remember walking on Wilshire Blvd. on a gloomy Saturday afternoon. I sound like this has been years ago; as if this memory was buried under a stack of unprocessed paperwork at the DMV. But this actually happened about 6 days ago from today. I was walking on my way to the bank in hopes that I would make it on time before they closed and suddenly it began to rain. I remembered thinking to myself, 'Oh Sunny California, how much you hate me.' It was then that I realized, I have no need to be here. I was not meant to live on these streets; or did I simply choose to not live this kind of life. Regardless of what philosophy you have created, I was sure that my presence at this location was unwanted.
Just to make things clear, I did not come back to California to feel at "home" again. Nor did I want to find out if I wanted to move back because I already knew about all the good things that Georgia had for me. But I came to see old friends. I wanted to spend time with the people that made a difference in my life. For just one last time, I wanted to share a drink and a laugh with those cock suckers. But I only had 2 amazing people to thank for being there. The other huge list can shove a fist in their mouth for ever saying a single word to me. It's amazing how people are so caught up with themselves out there. I simply can't believe I was like that. Georgia has taught me something about hospitality and the true meaning of friendship. I spent more money that I ever have in such a short amount of time, and I think I broke a new record for a waste of my life. Sometimes when you leave for a long period of time, you begin to see things in a different light. Lessons pre-learned, reminders of hate, and friends shedding their skin to reveal who they really are. I've decided to come to terms with California last week in a sense that I will never come back there. That place has created a roseheart made of thorns that I simply haven't been able to break quite yet. You would think friends would make themselves available to see you just to spend an hour before you go. Instead, they completely fade into a pool of, 'I forgot's and 'I have no designated driver'. Some friends, eh? I guess it's true when they say that people change. You hope that they don't, but I've learned that this evolution is inebidable. The value of friendship has become so scarce, similar to today's job market. I guess I got laid off. Can someone point me to the 'un-befriended' line? Hi, my name is Josh and I'm looking for a new friend. Do I get any benefits while I wait?
I've already accomplished so much in Georgia. I've stabilized myself with a great job, bought a new car, lost a ton of weight and found a good school! But I didn't think I would have drama like a great friend completely blowing me off for no good fucking reason. Maybe I did do something....who knows though. They never tell me. They just flee like cowards. I don't need people like that because that's exactly what I fled from in California. Maybe Ca would be a good place for them to grow up. To think I had such a good gift to give for Xmas. Something I felt was so deserving. God, how could I be so stupid!! 'Maybe I should be a nice guy just for this one last time'. HA! Actually that's the third time I say that here in Georgia, and the third time it ends in the same exact way. What am I doing wrong? 'Stop being a nice guy.' Alright then, it's settled.
I can careless if anyone ever happens to read this, but the point of this new season is to be completely personal. The last one has set the stages for who I will become and now it's time for me to embrace this new life, this new person birthed through a series of unfortunate events, this realization of finally knowing who I really am. I've been here for about 8 months, and still haven't really met a really good friend. I almost did. Turns out I was mistaken. I don't even have a good reason for that either. The curtains have come to a close in Los Angeles. That forsaken city has bid me a hardy farewell and I to them. Maybe that was all that was needed to move on. Although I wish I hadn't moved on with a thorn for a heart. My only one chance to feel alive again has fled, my music instruments have been broken, and my passion to pursue a solution has been smashed. But what hasn't been broken is my will to stay alive. I've learned that life doesn't have to be perfect, it just needs to be lived.
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