09
I've come to terms with Embracing who I am. This season of my life in dealing with personal evaluation and reflections has broadened my view on the future. I wasn't quite sure what to expect before, but now I have a clear understanding of where I'm going with my life.
I am who I know I am. Not who people think I am. I continue to believe what I believe because it made and still makes me, "Me". I've been through what I had to go through in order for me to become the best version of myself that I can be. I'm grateful for the things I have because they are the building blocks to the next level of what humanity likes to call "Growing Up". I continue to pride myself in the work that my hands engage upon because they build a legacy. My character is not defined by how I live in the light, but by what I do behind closed doors; and guess what? Yes, I still consider myself a Christian and I still live by Faith and not by Works. Yes I like to smoke and yes I like to drink. If you don't, so called - "SIN" -, then throw the first stone at me.
One of the biggest battles I have had to confront are these hidden insecurities from my past. Yet, I'm no longer ashamed of them. I've come to embrace them as my own. It's like placing a band aid where I lost a limb. I needed to learn how to continue living, moving and accepting the help from the people that care. It's safe to this that I have cleared the obstacle. Now I'm ready to take the next step. Even though I'm battered and bruised, this new height of maturity is unbelievably overwhelming. But it feels amazing!
I have officially moved out of my parents home - once again - but this time with stability and a future. Leaving them for a second time must be hard for my Mother. She hasn't been taking things very well. However, I am a man, and I need to do what I must to grow. My move in date was May 15th, 2010. Moving heavy furniture up four flights of stairs was ridiculously easier than the emotional turmoil my shoulders have been carrying for these past 5 years. But when I finished the move, the reflection of a new home with a new beginning marks the beginning of my new reborn rose. The season to embrace who I am has ended and once again, a new season arrives. The curtains close and the curtains rise to a better version of me.
I feel reborn into a world that surrounds me with life. I've grown out of childish games and desires. The thorns that wrapped my heart have been sanded off. A pulse of life has begun to beat gently in the silence as the stone begins to break. Warmth envelopes the air and my fingers begin to move. Slowly, but surely...my eyes take their very first gaze.
I'm alive again...and damn...it feels good to be back...
- This concludes Roseheart Embrace -
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
An Empty Man's Proverbs
08
"He who has a why can endure any how" - Friedrich Nietzsche
"Anything unattempted remains impossible" - Anonymous
You get to a place in your life when you realize the kind of person you really are. I never really cared for that growing up. It never had crossed my mind to even want to figure out who I am as a social tag number under this money-sucking community. But since turning 24, its had its moments. For being as young as I am and living through the things I have, I feel like nothing is impossible for me. I've starved and I can starve again. I've lived months with nothing and I can do it twice over. Of course I wouldn't really want to do that but maybe that is why moving out into my own place again doesn't scare me. I've done a lot of realizing this year about myself. Old wounds can very much open up at anytime. It's not about getting over something. A wound can leave you "handicapped". I should be carrying an emotional blue handicap sign. That way I get first dibs on parking spots at psychiatric facilities and wal-mart. I'm sure everyone has their own time of realizing who they are at different ages of their lives. But what really questions me is, what happens exactly that just turns the switch on? I'm not quite sure what had happened for me to realize it but it just sort of...happened. "Oh Hi! I'm Josh. This is who I am!" Reply to self "ohhhhhhhh".
When you realize what you want and what you're ambitions are, you start to change. The way you look at things. The way you treat people, friends, family, pets. Everything! Suddenly time spent with Mom is worth every second to you. You're left breathless when you see the one you love with bed hair and sweat pants, but they still shine like diamonds. It gets to the point where you're no longer worried about things when they go to crap. You just know that things are going to be fine. It's that very faith that determines your strength. And because of this, you fight. It doesn't matter how hard you were smashed into the ground, you fight and fight until you get back up. Even if you keep getting smashed back down over and over again. You climb back. This time, seven times stronger! It's not about doing the "life" thing over and over or following some sort of trend that the media has led us to believe is "life". But you fight because you realize the value that you and those around you, ARE. And the fight is worth every sweat, tears, and blood. I live for myself. I live for my family. I live for my love and I live for my friends. Even though this world has been contaminated with the idea of capitalism, this life is worth a fight. For them. For me.
I've finally paid off all of my things. And I'm ready to move into a new territory. This marks the half way point and I'm excited. I'm still fighting through my obstacles and demons. I've been able to calm the war in my mind through the re-furbishing of my beliefs. I remembered why I had nothing to worry about. I remembered where my hope and example of strength came from. My life is coming back to normal. If God really did design the perfect people in my life, he must truly know me well.
"He who has a why can endure any how" - Friedrich Nietzsche
"Anything unattempted remains impossible" - Anonymous
You get to a place in your life when you realize the kind of person you really are. I never really cared for that growing up. It never had crossed my mind to even want to figure out who I am as a social tag number under this money-sucking community. But since turning 24, its had its moments. For being as young as I am and living through the things I have, I feel like nothing is impossible for me. I've starved and I can starve again. I've lived months with nothing and I can do it twice over. Of course I wouldn't really want to do that but maybe that is why moving out into my own place again doesn't scare me. I've done a lot of realizing this year about myself. Old wounds can very much open up at anytime. It's not about getting over something. A wound can leave you "handicapped". I should be carrying an emotional blue handicap sign. That way I get first dibs on parking spots at psychiatric facilities and wal-mart. I'm sure everyone has their own time of realizing who they are at different ages of their lives. But what really questions me is, what happens exactly that just turns the switch on? I'm not quite sure what had happened for me to realize it but it just sort of...happened. "Oh Hi! I'm Josh. This is who I am!" Reply to self "ohhhhhhhh".
When you realize what you want and what you're ambitions are, you start to change. The way you look at things. The way you treat people, friends, family, pets. Everything! Suddenly time spent with Mom is worth every second to you. You're left breathless when you see the one you love with bed hair and sweat pants, but they still shine like diamonds. It gets to the point where you're no longer worried about things when they go to crap. You just know that things are going to be fine. It's that very faith that determines your strength. And because of this, you fight. It doesn't matter how hard you were smashed into the ground, you fight and fight until you get back up. Even if you keep getting smashed back down over and over again. You climb back. This time, seven times stronger! It's not about doing the "life" thing over and over or following some sort of trend that the media has led us to believe is "life". But you fight because you realize the value that you and those around you, ARE. And the fight is worth every sweat, tears, and blood. I live for myself. I live for my family. I live for my love and I live for my friends. Even though this world has been contaminated with the idea of capitalism, this life is worth a fight. For them. For me.
I've finally paid off all of my things. And I'm ready to move into a new territory. This marks the half way point and I'm excited. I'm still fighting through my obstacles and demons. I've been able to calm the war in my mind through the re-furbishing of my beliefs. I remembered why I had nothing to worry about. I remembered where my hope and example of strength came from. My life is coming back to normal. If God really did design the perfect people in my life, he must truly know me well.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Back to Basics
07 - (<---That's a coincidence...lol...perhaps..)
Everyone needs to come back to the building blocks of their foundation every once in a while. It's simply going back to basics. I feel like I have lost myself through the pain and past battles my mind had to go through. My strength has been roughed up, but I will regain my ground. In order for me to do this, I have decided to go back to the things that had built my philosophy on life. But first and foremost, I wanted to refurbish my philosophy and role as a man in a mature and real relationship. These are my reflections.
Eph 5:33 - "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
Love and Respect. I will love and respect you. As you do to me.
Gal 6:2 - "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ"
I walk alongside you like you do to me, carrying each others burden by being their for each other.
James 5:16 - "Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed."
I must be able to admit my faults to you. This is something I need to work more on.
Phillipians 2:3 - "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind, let each esteem others better than himself."
I rather honor and lift you up, then to be selfish and put myself before you.
Eph 4:26 - "Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath."
I know that we can and will get upset with each other. But I know that we will handle this correctly, maturely, and not end our day without finding reconciliation with each other.
Eph 4:29 - "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
I will choose to speak to you with gentleness to support and build you. Rather than speak out of anger which can surely hurt you.
Eph 4:32 - "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you."
I must and will forgive you, like I have been forgiven, allowing me to be a better person.
James 1:19 - "My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry."
I will listen to you. I will focus carefully and speak without anger during times of conflict.
Proverbs 15:1 - "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
I won't raise my voice to you in anger since this creates more anger. I should speak softly and with respect. I'm slow to anger but when I am, it's hard to control my volume. I need to keep getting better at this.
Proverbs 5:15-18 - "Drink Water from your own well - share your love only with your wife. Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you."
I will give all my energy, love, strength, and faith into the one I love. Because I believe the one I love, You, is my blessing.
1 Peter 4:8 - "Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of your faults."
I know I'm not perfect. But I will love you with all that I have within me.
1 Timothy 5:8 - "If someone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."
Although I believe what I believe, I will keep my priorities straight by working hard so that I can not only provide for myself, but for the ones I love. If I don't, I've denied who I am making me worse than someone who has no faith in anything. And I do have faith in what I believe in. because it has gotten me to where I am today.
1 John 3:18 - "Let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and truth."
Words are nothing compared to actions. And I will prove my love through my actions.
1 Corinthians 13:13 - "There are three things that remain - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love."
I love you
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 - "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
I will not fail...
Everyone needs to come back to the building blocks of their foundation every once in a while. It's simply going back to basics. I feel like I have lost myself through the pain and past battles my mind had to go through. My strength has been roughed up, but I will regain my ground. In order for me to do this, I have decided to go back to the things that had built my philosophy on life. But first and foremost, I wanted to refurbish my philosophy and role as a man in a mature and real relationship. These are my reflections.
Eph 5:33 - "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
Love and Respect. I will love and respect you. As you do to me.
Gal 6:2 - "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ"
I walk alongside you like you do to me, carrying each others burden by being their for each other.
James 5:16 - "Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed."
I must be able to admit my faults to you. This is something I need to work more on.
Phillipians 2:3 - "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind, let each esteem others better than himself."
I rather honor and lift you up, then to be selfish and put myself before you.
Eph 4:26 - "Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath."
I know that we can and will get upset with each other. But I know that we will handle this correctly, maturely, and not end our day without finding reconciliation with each other.
Eph 4:29 - "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
I will choose to speak to you with gentleness to support and build you. Rather than speak out of anger which can surely hurt you.
Eph 4:32 - "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you."
I must and will forgive you, like I have been forgiven, allowing me to be a better person.
James 1:19 - "My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry."
I will listen to you. I will focus carefully and speak without anger during times of conflict.
Proverbs 15:1 - "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
I won't raise my voice to you in anger since this creates more anger. I should speak softly and with respect. I'm slow to anger but when I am, it's hard to control my volume. I need to keep getting better at this.
Proverbs 5:15-18 - "Drink Water from your own well - share your love only with your wife. Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you."
I will give all my energy, love, strength, and faith into the one I love. Because I believe the one I love, You, is my blessing.
1 Peter 4:8 - "Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of your faults."
I know I'm not perfect. But I will love you with all that I have within me.
1 Timothy 5:8 - "If someone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."
Although I believe what I believe, I will keep my priorities straight by working hard so that I can not only provide for myself, but for the ones I love. If I don't, I've denied who I am making me worse than someone who has no faith in anything. And I do have faith in what I believe in. because it has gotten me to where I am today.
1 John 3:18 - "Let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and truth."
Words are nothing compared to actions. And I will prove my love through my actions.
1 Corinthians 13:13 - "There are three things that remain - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love."
I love you
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 - "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
I will not fail...
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Metacognition II
05
"Routine, Routine, Routine! Everyday, it's the same damn thing!" These broken pieces of glass is still stuck somewhere inside of me, tearing and digging itself deeper into my emotions ever so effortlessly. Everyone has a button they don't want pressed, however, this piece of impending disaster has just replaced my button with a time bomb that's slowly ticking me into a psychotic mode of paranoia. How long is this bomb going to keep ticking for!!! I want this stupid fucking contraption out of my body!!! I'm a walking cyborg with this metal that my body had quickly adopted onto to my heart making this is a constant battle to keep my heart from evolving into pure machine. Walls keep crawling up and the worst case scenarios flood my mind like Hurricane Katrina, overflowing out of my fingers and pores.
"Routine, Routine, Routine! Everyday, it's the same damn thing!" These broken pieces of glass is still stuck somewhere inside of me, tearing and digging itself deeper into my emotions ever so effortlessly. Everyone has a button they don't want pressed, however, this piece of impending disaster has just replaced my button with a time bomb that's slowly ticking me into a psychotic mode of paranoia. How long is this bomb going to keep ticking for!!! I want this stupid fucking contraption out of my body!!! I'm a walking cyborg with this metal that my body had quickly adopted onto to my heart making this is a constant battle to keep my heart from evolving into pure machine. Walls keep crawling up and the worst case scenarios flood my mind like Hurricane Katrina, overflowing out of my fingers and pores.
*Ring* "Thank you for calling Accu Auto, this is Josh, how can I help you?..."
Anyways....where was I?
I keep thinking about my thinking and how my thinking could help me stop thinking. But it's like holding a mirror in front of another mirror creating a infinite number of parallel universes. Is this what it's like to be God? Hold a mirror and create another world as fake as Los Angeles? This thinking is multiplying my fears into infinity and the cure is long far away from me. I'm no psychiatrist but I'm starting to think I need one. My heart is heavy, my mind is spinning, and my bones are shivering. I can't spend a single day away without getting lost in this whirlpool of ticking time bombs. I feel better typing this and letting this out though. Maybe I shouldn't continue this metacognition. She is right when she says to just talk and let it out. The problem is I have no one to talk to when we're away. That's when I need it the most. But typing this to a web encoded text box seems to help me lower these mechanical walls much easier. They were brick walls before but now they're titanium. I don't remember ordering an upgrade...Hmm...
4 minutes until I leave this place. I have gotten nothing done at work due to my thoughts, this bomb, this glass, and this metacognition. 3 minutes before I storm out of this place and into my car as I blast an endless sea of music that reminds me of truth to embrace my turmoiled spirit. 2 minutes and I'll walk out of these doors to a brighter sky to remind me that I just need one more day. 1 minute left as I take this cyborg of mine out for a walk because I think I need to find out how to turn the power off on it. 5:30, it's time to go home and pull myself together before I regurgitate my feelings into a pool of hopeful sorrows.
In other words...I really need you right now...
Monday, February 22, 2010
A walk in the park
04
Traveling through the field of open wounds; but don't worry, it'll all be over soon.
Traveling through the field of open wounds; but don't worry, it'll all be over soon.
A door creeks open and my hands become instantly attracted to embrace the knob that calls for action. Like muscle memory my arm begins to pull. I didn't realize I walked through yet, but apparently I did. I was hoping that I wasn't going to like what's before me which would've given me an opportunity to shut the door and turn away; But I guess I didn't get that chance. Before I was able to even think twice about it, I was already in. This field is terrifying. My nerves and memories were bouncing throughout my body, screaming into my ears that my worth has lost it's value. My self-confidence had been evaporated by the steam from the ground that burned away the feet that led me to strength when my tank was empty. As I stared into the gray scaled desert of shattered glass flowers and broken wedding bands, with no shoes or socks, I started my walk.
Traveling through the field of open wounds; but don't worry, it'll all be over soon.
A good length of time had passed since the last time I had such a flare. I guess I haven't been in love for a long time until now. I also felt that these insecurities would have been flushed out by now but the scars and old wounds that I've began to pick at have reign victorious in this battle to ignore them. Never have I realized how bad it was up until now. I don't want to keep walking through this field. The glass is really sticking to my feet and soon I won't be able to walk at all anymore. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do in order to rid myself from this "walk in the park". It feels like I have a hole in my core and my lungs are full of needles. But I'll just keep walking. Like nothing is wrong. Like nothing is bothering me. Like the world is as it should be.
Traveling through the field of open wounds; but don't worry, it'll all be over soon.
Losing strength and my vision fading. My voice is failing and my image tainted. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Everything is becoming so blurry. I'm losing myself to this monster growing inside of me. With my bloody feet I stand tall and let my tears run down since they are the only thing that can wash away the glass. This is the point where I would lose it all. Nothing to fight for. But her eyes shine brightly under this midnight. Her smile reminds me of what it means to be content. Her laugh is everything I want flooding my ears. She reminds me of why I need to claim my future; and I will NOT let my past be re-lived in her life. She deserves more. I will stand, and I will walk.
Traveling through the field of open wounds; but don't worry, it'll all be over soon.
The glass is growing thicker and the pain is growing stronger. But my hope is becoming clearer and the end is getting closer. This is where it ends. I swear this will be the last time I take a walk through the park of broken glass. Even though I haven't a clue on where I'm going yet, my wounds are turning into fresh skin. This glass is only massaging me now and it feels great. I can't recall the last time I've ever had a foot massage. The thick humid air became a breeze of oxygen against my face as step out in trust, hope, and confidence. And after days of chosen solace, a smile breaks as the midnight began to diminish within the dark blue glow of a slowly rising sun. Step by step into my victory. I will overcome. I will not fall.
Traveling through the field of open wounds; but don't worry, it'll all be over soon.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Half Way Point
03
It's the half way point
Stand still and listen close
Wait for the moment to hear her voice
Time slows down, now flip a coin
It's the half way point
5 days to hold her close
Desperate to submerge within her voice
Expired meter, insert a coin
It's the half way point
I'll sprint to the end, the end is close
Overdose these calling cards, I need her voice
Time is slowing this falling coin
It's the half way point
We're distant with hearts so close
Oversleep to dream the comfort of her voice
Yes, I'll take another. Here's my coin.
Is it the half way point?
5 days to hold her close
Desperate to submerge within her voice
I need a change machine, I need more coins
It's the half way point
An explosion is close
Pinned by impatience to scream out this voice
Sit still, heads or tails? Flip the coin
It's the half way point
The end is nowhere close
I find solace within your voice
So I'll scratch the card for a pin, where's my coin?
Finally, the half way point
5 days to hold her close
Desperate to submerge within her voice
Damn...It's barely the half way point
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